The Fourth Trimester

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!! The baby is here. Because there is already a lot of information online about the correct way(s) to be a parent, here, we’re gonna focus on some ways to enjoy parenting.

Answers to the script.

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good baby,

Short Reads

Long Reads

Do

  • Start saying “Hello” to other parents with children that you see when walking around your neighborhood.

  • Map out the nearest park with a playground in your neighborhood. Start hanging out there (bring the dog, picnic, take a jog, etc.) to begin scoping out and becoming part of the scene.

  • Connect or reconnect with a friend, sister, cousin, etc. with young children by meeting up for lunch or coffee.

  • Let anyone and everyone you know with young children that you’re happy to take any hand-me-downs off their hands.

  • Join your local Facebook mom-group and/or buy-nothing group.

  • If you are religious—even lapsed!—now could be a good time to connect/reconnect with your spiritual community

Buy

  • A pre-natal class, these can be a great way to meet other parents.

  • A pre-natal exercise (e.g. yoga) class pack.

 

One heaping portion of slow pace.

Babies aren’t just slow themselves, they need slowness from you. Rushing just doesn’t work for them. It may seem at times that they are allergic to all things harried! What can I say, these little bundles of adorableness don’t even know what time is! The upside of this is that unhurriedness is a luxury that benefits both parents and babies.

Long Reads

Do

Buy

  • An in-person or virtual visit from a decluttering service…search online for “decluttering services near me” or “professional organizers near me”

 

Guilt-free pampering your baby.

People sometimes act like you birthed a little adult. Is baby sleeping throuigh the night yet? Do they go down for naps inside of 60 seconds and stay that way for three hours? Relish in treating your baby like a baby. Relish in parenting, nurturing, coddling, cuddling…here are some helpful facts. Babies can’t regulate their emotions until xx…babies cant until xxx…etc.

Podcasts

Informed Pregnancy—One of the greatest things about this series is Dr. Berlin’s “Before and After” series where he talks with women before they give birth and again after. A range of experiences are represented. It’s a great listen!

Birth Stories In Color—A wonderful and wide-ranging podcast. You can search for “birth stories” on their website.

 

Stop panicking about your sleep.

You may not have much - or even any - morning sickness. Or you may be like me and feel like you are suspended in a completely debilitating, eternal hangover for three months. Either way, maybe starting now and definitely starting soon, you’re going to need more - much more - help than you are accustomed to asking for. And once the baby comes…wowza. No time like the present to begin learning to ask for help and to feel comfortable leaning on others if that’s maybe not something you are currently great at.

Podcasts

  • Dr. Berlin

  • Birthing in Color

 

Don’t panic about the baby’s sleep.

There is soooooooo much research out there about this. Here it is in a nutshell: Even if domestic work between two individuals in a couple is about 50/50 pre-baby, that dramatically changes once the baby arrives. There are a whole lot of reasons “why” and you should read Jancee Dunn’s book “How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids” to learn about them. This imbalance leads to things like resentment, lack of sex, career stagnation, deep sadness, etc. It is a really big deal that everyone pitches in if you want your relationship and your life to feel nice.

It’s easy for the person who is doing less to feel like they are doing an equal amount because we all like to think well of ourselves and not “Oh, I’m an a@!hole who doesn’t pull my weight around the house.” Writing things out with specificity helps everyone keep it honest. Try writing out something like this with your partner and put it up on the fridge. You may want to split tasks. For example, I sort, wash, and dry the laundry and my partner folds and puts it away. A friend pointed out to me that it seemed like he really didn’t like doing chores alone. It was one of the best tips I ever got!

WORKSHEET:

Daily Chores

The person who will wash/load/unload the dishes is ___________.
The person who will sort/wash/dry/fold/put away the laundry is ___________.
The person who will make dinner is ___________.
The person who will straighten the house is ___________.

Weekly Tasks

The person who will meal plan is ___________.
The person who will grocery shop is ___________.
The person who will clean the bathroom is ___________.

Monthly Tasks

The person who will get the car washed is ___________.
The person who will clean the kitchen is ___________.

…

The above is just a “for example”, you get the idea. Oh, and did you see how laundry is filed under “daily?” Yeah, welcome to your new life.

Short Read

Long Read

Do

  • Write out and pin up a division of labor plan for household chores

 

The ability to The fourth trimester defined.

You may not have much - or even any - morning sickness. Or you may be like me and feel like you are suspended in a completely debilitating, eternal hangover for three months. Either way, maybe starting now and definitely starting soon, you’re going to need more - much more - help than you are accustomed to asking for. And once the baby comes…wowza. No time like the present to begin learning to ask for help and to feel comfortable leaning on others if that’s maybe not something you are currently great at.

Read

Asking for help
Feel comfortable saying no to help that is offered
Accepting help for strong women
How to ask your birth partner to step it up
Asking ppl for help if you don’t have a birth partner
How to ask for help at work when you aren’t supposed to be telling anyone

 

The ability to a wish-list for friends.

Birthing and Parenting Partners, this one is for you! There are going to be some thankless days ahead of you. And even if there were a million ba-jillion thanks’s on the way, there’s only so much that will help after months of doing all the cooking, laundry, lifting, dishes, appointment setting, and more! It’s gonna be hard and sometimes you are going to be so over it.

Read

How to be a helpful partner
How to ask your birth partner to step it up

Do

  • Things without being asked. Here’s a place to start (<— link).

Buy

  • A nausea care package

 

A realistic expectations from loved ones.

If you have ever thought of picking up a gratitude practice, now’s a great time. There are a lot of ups and downs ahead and with everything being so overwhelming, the downs can drown out the ups. Which is bad for your health and your heart. According to health.harvard.edu:

In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.

And if HARVARD says it’s true, then it must be.

Read

Giving Thanks Can Make You Happier
How Gratitude Changes You and Your Brain

Do

  • Say three things you are grateful for right now.

  • Begin a gratitude journal (see one example below in “Buy”)

Buy

 

Strategies to find a realistic understanding of daily life with a newborn before they can sit up on their own (0-4 months).

One of the most frustrating things about trying to learn about having a baby is the whole “this is what will happen to you or either the exact opposite will happen to you, or if not one of those things than something in between” deal. But it’s not just websites or your doctors trying to CYA. It’s just reality. You may have terrible morning sickness. You may have none at all. Your labor may be 4 hours. It may be 40 hours. Your baby may hardly cry. Your baby may be colicky. Your baby may sleep never. They may sleep all the time. Haha JUST KIDDING this last thing is definitely not going to happen. Unless it does.

 
 

Some ideas about what your parenting style may be.

Is it OK if the baby cries? For how long? Will we make them play an instrument? Is it OK if they see us fight?

Short Reads & Podcasts

Long Read

Do

Gifts

 

Strategies to find a realistic understanding of daily life with a newborn once they can sit up but before they can crawl (4-9 months).

This may be a pregnancy after previous loss. You may have had a really difficult childhood. You may be terrified that you won’t be a good provider. Becoming pregnant can bring up a lot of scary stuff for everyone.

Short Reads & Podcasts

Long Read

Do

  • Discuss how you hope your past won’t negatively influence your future as a parent with your partner. (Workbook resource)

  • …

Gifts

  • …

  • …

 

The first stab at a childcare plan.

You need to figure out now what you are going to do about childcare. I know, I know…you already “basically know” what you are gonna do and have all of maternity leave to figure it out. But juuuuuuuuust in case there are still holes in your plan…

A 40hr/week nanny at $25/hr will cost $52,000 per year.
The average nanny share is 2/3s the cost so $34,840 per year.
A $2000/month full-time daycare will cost $24,000 per year.

I live in a fancy city, so these are fancy city prices. You’ll have to adjust for your region.

Standard Maternity Leave is 12 weeks which is NOT 3 months, it’s 2.75 months which is important to understand because your 2.75 month old baby may be hard for you to leave at home emotionally. Many parents end up feeling more comfortable at 4 or 6 months. Maybe explore what it would look like if you ended up getting to month 2.5 and think: there’s no way I can leave this baby yet. Your employer may have some options. Or they may reveal themselves to be real inflexible a-holes, which is also good information to have now.

During this 2.75 months, will you have help during the day? Maybe at first, all is well. Your partner was able to get two whole weeks of family leave. How wonderful! But then they return to work. And say your partner commutes 30 min each way for work and works 9-6…well then that is 10 unbroken hours of caring for a newborn and you may be (will definitely be) tired from the night before because I don’t know if anyone ever told you but newborns don’t sleep for long stretches of time. This can very quickly tip you into deep sadness…so if at all possible get some help during the day.

Short Read

  • Article, …

Long Read

  • Book & Audiobook, …

Do

Gifts

  • …

  • …

 

A well-planned fourth trimester.

Post-partum doula? Mom will come for a month? A refrigerator stocked full of food? Maternity-leave? Paternity-leave? Will I feel OK? Will my vajay-jay feel OK?

Short Read

  • Article, …

Long Read

Do

Gift/Buy

  • Plan a “Meal-Train”

  • Frida